Having Children: Once upon a time when you LOST YOUR MIND.

Having children does not make your life smell like talcum powder but it does make you understand what it feels like to ferret around for a bogie in someone else’s nose.

When mine were younger I would sometimes glance in the driving mirror and freak out seeing two small people in the back of the car and realise it was my responsibility to actually make sure they stayed alive for like, ever. It’s a lot. For those with the joys of parenting still to come – I thought we would keep it pretty light this week – here is the abridged version of what to expect once you are expecting.

The Alien Invasion (aka ‘Congratulations – You are expecting’):

Wow. After spending quite a few years trying your damnedest to not get pregnant or indeed fat, now you are and soon you will be. Strangers touch your tummy (annoying), everyone gives you advice (really annoying) and some people say (extra) annoying things like ‘Gosh, you really are carrying a lot of weight on your hips – you must be having a girl’. You miss Vodka, Sushi, Nice Bras & Your Ankles. Rather cruelly towards the end you will walk less and waddle more.  Also you will notice all of your friends look really thin.

TRH (Thin.Rich.Happy.) advice? Even though you are technically eating for two this does not mean you should eat double (remember for the most part the other guy is the size of a bean). Don’t-feel-guilty – the odd glass of wine or slice of brie is not going to matter and remember, you are likely to cause way more long-term psychological damage later when they are alive and living in the world – and for Pete’s sake you are growing an actual human being INSIDE OF YOU. It’s pretty amazing (and quite boring at the same time.)

The Big Day – Ta-Da! You Made a Human. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. Look what we did!
Look what I did! Our baby is AMAZING. I feel sorry for all those people whose babies are not as AMAZING as ours. It’s hard to describe until you get there but safe to say the earth on its axis totally re-arranges and your heart is now forever in danger.

TRH (Thin.Rich.Happy.) advice? Don’t panic when you stop staring at your baby long enough to notice you are still quite fat. This is totally normal.

The Early Years (Does anyone have an Instruction Manual I can borrow?)

The first few years are INTENSE – you have no idea what you are doing, you are damn sure you will never sleep or look pretty or party ever again. Your husband – the comedian – thinks a few weeks in you are probably quite up for ‘it’ and you wonder if he is INSANE? – does he not remember that-was-what-got-us-in-this-mess-in-the-first-place. You get totally sucked in to this weird vortex that is all about babies, everything smells a bit like regurgitated milk and you bore the PANTS off all your friends who don’t have children. You age your children in months even after they turn one (yes, he is quite advanced for 21 months – what?). At some stage you will likely worry that your child might be developmentally backwards or quite possibly gifted. Meanwhile your kid learns to walk, talk and turns into a little mini person which is pretty freakin’ awesome. People won’t stop asking you when will you be having another one.

TRH (Thin.Rich.Happy.) advice? A pacifier (dummy) is a god-send in the first few months but ditch it after month 3 (easy-ish) so you don’t end up with one of those dumb kids still sucking on one when they are about 8 (when they will legit try and kill you if you take it away from them). Don’t-feel-guilty – you are doing your best – threats and bribes are not ideal but are a solid fall back (I owe much of my parenting to them).

The Middle Years (fun & games & school fees too).

Around about now you will probably hit your stride. Just when you get everything down pat you might have another one or two or more (are you insane?) and then a fresh dose of chaos will ensue. You wonder if you will ever see any of your real friends or have any money in your bank account ever again. You will wrestle with ringlets (whilst checking for nits), endlessly be bending over tying shoe laces, kissing things better, making packed lunches, applying sun cream and remembering fondly the time you used to be able to go the loo on your own. That first day at school drop off is a doozy – I defy you not to tear up a little bit as your heart gets squeezed by the back of their sweet little head walking away from you.

TRH (Thin.Rich.Happy.) advice? Cultivate a social life that does not revolve around your children (in prep for stage 3) and most of all remember that even when your world is spinning out of control at some stage ‘this too shall pass’. Cultivate a sense of humour about pretty much everything.

The Teenage Years (Ha Ha – and you thought the early years were hard).

Welcome to a whole new set of dilemmas – primarily the realisation that (shit) you are now a role-model. Its more a question of do as I say, not as I do, or god forbid what I did. I have friends who now hide behind a wall in their back garden so their children won’t know they smoke. It is also during this stage that every-single-thing you do will be unbelievably embarrassing and you should probably avoid saying anything at all when they have friends over. Just keep quiet, drive them everywhere and give them money constantly. Their homework will become impossible, they will spend 90% of their time staring at a screen and the remaining 10% telling you they hate you or they are hungry. This is a marathon and not a sprint – if you can get them from age 14 -to age 17 -years without them going to either rehab or jail then you are pretty much Mother (or Father) of the year.

TRH (Thin.Rich.Happy.) advice? Remember you are not their friend – you are their parent. Set realistic boundaries and encourage anything that is not illegal (surfing, sport, drama etc). Introduce them to the domestic appliances in the house and encourage use (you are a parent -not a staff member). Teach them to cook (so they can survive without you). Hug them as much as they let you as physical affection drops a gazillion% during this stage and even if its not encouraged it is often needed. Respect their privacy and compliment them on the stuff they do get right. Don’t do everything for them – your job is to set them free in to the world with the capabilities and skill sets to survive. Life is hard and resilience is one of the best things you can teach them – when they eventually flee the nest you will most likely need a batch of your own too.

So that’s it – the whole messy, marvellous, complicated and glorious world of parenting. Be warned -you might feel like a failure most of the time and your heart will split open and spill all over the place but truth be told, you wouldn’t have it any other way.

This Get Happier (but not Thinner & Richer) Post is brought to you by someone who knows what it is like to love two people so much she would happily throw herself under a bus for them.