The Swift Blow of Rejection (and how not to die sad & alone).

There are few feelings more painful than the swift blow of rejection. Being told that we are actually…. not what someone wants, is a harsh truth indeed. In fact, being dumped feels much like it sounds – an excretion without ceremony – leaving us with little choice, but to believe everything bad about ourselves, that we may have at some point considered. Yup – it is just as we thought – we are in fact, way too fat, weird or f*cked up for anyone to love us. We might as well just book ourselves a one way ticket to loser-ville and be done with it.

I remember the first time it happened to me. I was 17, and vowed never to wash my hair ever again, until my true love and I were once more reunited*. It may feel like the loneliest thing in the world, but you can take comfort that you are unlikely to be alone in your misery. Most of us, at some point in our lives, will feel the full brunt of a broken heart. It’s practically a rite of passage. In fact, I am highly suspicious of anyone who makes it to the age of  30, that has not had their heart ripped savagely in two. Because the thing about love, is that it is inherently risky – you are basically stripping off, both physically and emotionally, and saying ‘here I am in all my glorious weirdness’. Please love me. 

And don’t hurt me.

It can’t be helped. The sad fact is, that despite best efforts, not everyone we pair up with, is the perfect match we might hope them to be. And that’s OK. Except, of course for the poor bugger who had thought this was their match. Who had envisaged waltzing off into the sunset with this person and having two rather sweet children, called Banjo and Matilda. And cutting off their crusts.

So, for those of you who have loved and lost, and for the rest of you who have yet to feel the exquisite pain of un-loveable loserdom, may I present:

The T.R.H Survival Guide to Getting Dumped. (All quotes are via ‘The School of Life’s’ excellent videos. The rest is just me).

• Let it Break Properly. There is no point rushing this bit. This is your period of mourning and you are entitled to it. Whinge, sob and blub yourself into a mascara smeared mess if need be. Listen to ridiculously sad playlists and don’t worry if Ben and Jerry are your only friends for a while. Eventually, the hope is you will ‘bore yourself back in to an appetite for life’. There is only so much Adele that one person can handle, before wanting to throw away the Kleenex and return to the real world.
• No Delusions –  Let’s be very clear about one thing – the fastest route to recovery is to kill ‘any remaining hope’ that the current situation may reverse. We often cling to the idea that we can make them change their mind, if we can just be a better version of ourselves. That if you magically got thinner or less needy, he/she will want you back again. In most cases they won’t – so it’s best to preserve your dignity and just enjoy any side-effect weight loss, without using it as a sly tool to seduce them all over again. Sexual rejection is bad enough as a stand alone, but when re-inflicted by the heart breaker him/herself – I. Can’t. Even. 
• Let’s Not Be Friends – Tempting, but not a good idea, as it’s really nothing more than, ‘an emotionally reassuring consolation prize.’ ‘For the rejected partner, the step from lover to friend is an eternally humiliating demotion.’ All in all, the ‘friends’ thing is a bit of a scam, where the loser uses it as an excuse to still see them, and the rejecter doesn’t feel like a total swine for the breakages caused. Wait for a while and only reignite the friendship when the idea of shagging them is either silly or repellent.
• Don’t get stuck – We all know those people who seem to never be able to get over someone. They get stuck in the unrequited revolving door, which is really just a safe hiding place to ensure we never have our heart trampled on. Ever Again.
• Moving Right Along – Eventually, it will be time to dip your toe back into the Jacuzzi. You might feel like you have learnt some useful stuff from the last relationship – don’t shag people who are not your partner/a little less stage 5 clinger action – and are ready to move on. To emotionally available people, who might actually like you. And yes, it is totally natural to find this idea alarming, as many of us are ‘predisposed to think specifically well of people who don’t want us.’ Which is ridiculous. So, we must make a concerted effort to ‘stop being so revolted by people who want us and admiring of those who do not.’ Eventually, with a little luck, some strong banter and a medium to strong performance in the bedroom, hopefully you will find your matching sock.

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone whose matching sock didn’t mind that she was in fact an odd one.

*It was a thing a while back to not wash your hair,until it starts ‘self-cleaning’/regulating it’s natural oils. Object of my affection did this, (I know, sounds gross but his hair was nice). Hence my broken-hearted vow never to wash mine, ever again. I lasted a whole nine days. Tops.