Pack Your Bags – We are going on a Guilt-Trip.

GUILT  – The Gift That Keeps on Giving

My friend had sex last week. Mid-level, much needed, meaningless sex with a man she will certainly not marry. Instead of pulling up her tights and moving on with her week, she spent the rest of it feeling GUILTY. Because, that’s what many of us women, (and some of you men), do. We do sh*t, and then spend way longer feeling guilty about said sh*t than is entirely necessary or even helpful. We feel guilty that we ate so much, we feel guilty that we spent too much, we feel guilty that, despite our very best intentions, the house is still a mess, we are terrible parents, below average friends and, if only we had done things differently we might have deemed ourselves worthy enough to be alive.

It does, in the grand scheme of things, seem like an awful waste of our time. Although other people can be excellent at making us feel guilty, when it comes to a particularly savage beating, often the person most responsible for the bruises is us.

Why Do We Feel So Guilty?

Often the things we feel guilty about – finishing the whole bar of chocolate, staying in bed instead of going to the gym, skipping chores to watch 1 more episode of ‘Billions’- are things that feel good. Research conducted around the marketing of guilt affirms this, with Kelly Goldsmith (assistant professor of marketing at the Kellogg School of Management) explaining that, ‘Guilt is linked with pleasure because often times when we experience guilt, we experience pleasure…….When pleasure’s activated, guilt is activated, and so in our brains, over time, those two become connected.’

In addition to this, neuroscience research also shows that our brains actually reward us for feeling guilty. Alex Korb, author of The Upward Spiral, goes extra scientific on us, detailing that, ‘Despite their differences, pride, shame and guilt all activate similar neural circuits, including the dorsomedial prefrontal cortex, amygdala, insula, and the nucleaus accumbens……….This explains why it can be so appealing to heap guilt and shame on ourselves – they’re activating the brain’s reward centre.’

So – in theory – it’s not entirely our fault. Which is a relief – as it’s one less thing to feel guilty about.

Guilt. First – The Good News: 

Guilt, in modest sized doses, can be a good thing. It serves the important social function of helping us police our behaviour. Without it, we might all just be tempted to run amok, throwing our good intentions and morals to the wind – lying, cheating and gorging our way through life, with little care for those we damage along the way. Guilt, psychologists like professor Jane Bybee say, is useful, because it gets people to regret the wrong they do, and correct it – ‘They feel a sense of remorse over it. They wish that they could undo it.’

Not feeling guilty is in fact one of the markers of being a psychopath, so I guess – extreme examples being encouraged –  the more guilty we feel, the less Ted Bundy we might be inclined to be.

Too Much Guilt? The 4 Step Guide to Making it Less of a Trip.

Whilst we can all agree that a healthy amount of guilt can be a good thing, being racked with it on a regular basis seems unhelpful at the best of times. So here’s how to unpack your bags and start being a little nicer to yourself.

• Investigate the Evidence – First up, you need to determine if you are actually feeling guilty for something valid.  Many of us tend to be ‘guilty’ of magnifying our guilt out of perspective. So, you ate a goddamn doughnut – big freaking deal. Does one doughnut really deserve the measure of self-loathing you are sending your way? Probably not. However, if you discover that you are legitimately feeling bad about something, then use the knowledge to progress instead of punish. Not spending enough time with your partner? Spending more time in KFC than your kitchen? Whatever it might be – try and find a way to address this balance, but remember it will be much easier to do this if you limit your efforts to the things that really matter to you. Make a list of the top 3 things you really care about, (ie: career advancement, health and family time), and then if you find yourself feeling guilty about something that is not on your list (ie: not making it to your old school reunion) – then just Let.It.Go.
• Check Your Negative Bias – Guilt, like it’s good friend perfectionism, tends to have a negative bias – which means you pay more attention to what you are NOT doing right, than appreciating what you are. The working vs stay-at-home mother debate is an excellent example of this, with each party dancing in the corner of negative bias – only seeing how little they see their child or how little they are contributing to the work force – and not how either choice may be positively impacting on their child or overall well being. ‘Perfectionism is often what drives guilt,’ says Susan Krauss Whitbourne, professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amhurst. ‘At some point, you have to just accept your limitations.’ Moore adds that it can even help to remind yourself, ‘No mom or wife or employee is doing everything flawlessly.’ And the ones that say they are, are lying 😉
• Label it Correctly – Often guilt is not really guilt at all. Instead it might be sadness that you couldn’t do more to help, or disappointment that you did not achieve what you had hoped, or even anger or resentment at agreeing to do something when all you really wanted was to say ‘No’. It is useful at this juncture to remind you that whatever emotion you might discover, that you are not your feelings, you may have behaved badly, but that does not mean you are a bad person. See The Positivity Myth post for more on this key distinction.
•  Take Ownership – If we want to breed better behaviours, we need to understand that although we may not be our feelings, we are responsible for our own actions. It can be tempting to blame the bad habits that we feel guilty about – such as smoking or drinking – on our apparent ‘lack of self-control’, but once we relinquish ‘control’ there is little incentive to behave better. Forgiveness and self acceptance are the key to increasing personal accountability. So, by all means let guilt alert you to behaviours you may wish to change, but then accept and forgive yourself your f*ck ups because this is the real route toward change. As Robert Holden writes in his book, Happiness Now, “Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. In fact, your level of self-acceptance determines your level of happiness. The more self-acceptance you have, the more happiness you’ll allow yourself to accept, receive and enjoy. In other words, you enjoy as much happiness as you believe you’re worth”.

And a little extra happiness is something we should definitely not feel guilty about.

Photo Credit: 1968 Ad – Samsonite Luggage