How To Get Everyone To Like You.

Life will be infinitely easier if most people you meet along the way decide that they like you. There is no question that the choices other people make about us can ultimately determine our success. And, if those people do like us, they will be much more likely to help us, hire us, do business with us, ask us out on a date, give us a discount or have us over for dinner. Charm is not however a party trick. “You can’t make anybody like you”, Michelle Lederman, author of ‘The 11 Laws of Likeability’, reminds us, “but you can enable people to see what is likable about you,”

Problem is – you don’t get very long to show them.

The First Seven Seconds – According to research, this is how long you have to make a positive first impression. Yup – seven whole seconds. By the end of the seven, your date, potential boss or newly met acquaintance will have decided if you are indeed competent, trustworthy and likeable. In less time than it would take to tie your shoelace, they will have a fair idea if you are second date material, are a contender for the job, or are the type of person they want to invite over for lunch on Sunday.  Nonverbal cues have over 4 times the impact of verbal ones, so their impression of you will likely be formed despite what words come out of your mouth, or even before the first one does.

(Which is useful if you are nervous and/or your chat is rubbish.)

When it comes to popularity contests, the two most desirable traits, according to social psychologist Amy Cuddy, are warmth and competence. Her studies found that these two traits ‘account for about 80% of our overall evaluations of people (ie Do you feel good or bad about this person?)’. Warmth is the big one – the key to being likeable, even at the expense of competence. Think about it – Angelina Jolie is probs a way better actress than Jennifer Anniston, but I think we all know who we would prefer to drink Margaritas with. That said, you still need to get the balance right. You don’t want to be too warm and friendly. Or too smart and capable. Because ‘if there is surplus of one trait they infer a deficit of the other.’ Hence the expression, Nice, but dim.

In other annoying news – Being good looking also helps, with Cuddy confirming that ‘attractive people are generally seen as better at everything.’ Although, if you have ever watched an episode of ‘Love Island’ you may question the validity of this finding.

Warm, Competent, Well-Presented – Gotcha.

So – what else can you do to ensure that nothing but nice things are said about you?

Body Language: Non-verbal clues paint half the picture. So, in those first seven seconds especially, you should be using some tried and true brushstrokes. Smile (to display warmth), make eye contact (to show interest) and raise your eyebrows (as a sign of recognition). Uncross your arms/legs and turn your body to face them (to show you are open and that they have your undivided attention). Never, ever glance down at your phone or over their shoulder – especially not in this first crucial window. If you are going into a meeting, a strong posture and a firm handshake will establish confidence and rapport. In a social situation, leaning slightly towards them and touching their arm, in a non-creepy way, shows you are warm and engaged. But remember – this sh*t can’t be faked – people can smell the BS from a mile off. Fun Fact – Tilting your head to one side also works well, as it exposes your critical carotid artery to the other person, thus conveying trust……!

Find Common Ground: This is a classic technique used to build trust and rapport, and explains why we feel so good when we discover we both support the same team or find a friend in common, ‘No way! You know Bob too?’ So, when you meet new people it can be helpful to find out quickly what you have in common. All that ‘opposites attract’ stuff is mostly just bollocks. Truth is – for the most part – we like people who are like us. For the same reason, mirroring (matching the other person’s posture, gestures or words), can help the person you are talking to feel more attuned and in sync with you.

The Triple Whammy: This is a useful trick when you are looking to make friends fast. Start with a sincere compliment (make them feel good), follow this with a show of vulnerability (make them feel trusted) and finish up by asking their advice (make them feel important). ‘You look amazing in that dress. I literally tried on five outfits tonight, trying to decide what to wear. I am new to the area, where would you suggest I go shopping for good quality but not overpriced stuff?’

Remember It Is Less About You And (Way) More About Them. We are all wonderfully self-involved creatures at heart. So much of what we experience is filtered through our own lens, to the point that people often judge you on how well they felt they came across. Many a bloke has taken a girl out for dinner, talked extensively about himself (at her prompting), and left thinking how smart and funny said girl was. In fact, the whole key to the Chocolate Factory lies in making the other person feel good about themselves. Most of us are simply crying out for attention and we immediately feel closer to people that pay it to us. We can do this by looking them in the eye, remembering their name, asking them questions, actively listening to what they have to say and letting them have their turn in the spotlight. It comes down to making them felt seen, making them felt heard and most of all making them felt understood . Because if other people understand us – ‘Yes, I totally get that. I know exactly what you mean!’ then we start to feel part of something bigger than ourselves and ultimately less alone.

My suggestion is that this week you worry less about ‘Likes’ and more about being….you know, liked.

What do you think? I would love to hear your thoughts.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who tried giving Zero F*cks, but always ended up with some surplus.

Photo Credit: Via Wikimedia – no known copyright restrictions exist.