Overthinking – A Short Guide to Getting Out of Your Head.

There is a BIG difference between thinking a lot (intellectually stimulating stuff) and over thinking (mostly just wishing we hadn’t said and done stuff.)

And let’s be honest – Some of us spend an inordinate amount of time thinking how we really shouldn’t have sent that text, or asked that question, or told that person. Agonising over the endless ways we could have done things better or said things smarter. And when we are not ruminating on stuff we have already done, we tend to mentally fixate on imaginary disasters that we believe are likely to befall us in the very near future.

It is time-consuming, exhausting and is certainly not very helpful.

It is time to get off the hamster-wheel my friend.

Around & Around in Circles. Some of the best people I know are overthinkers. You know why? Because they actually give a sh*t. They love you. They care if they hurt your feelings. They mind if you want to shag someone else. They are bothered what other people think about them. They would hate the idea they were not good enough to get the job, stay in the relationship or be able to pay off the debt. So, they overthink everything………the problem is that rumination, much like its close friend worry, tends to be skewed to the negative. So, whilst they swill around in the waters of regret, shame and projected failure, they can actually repel the very people and opportunities they are hoping to attract.

Not to mention also bore their friend’s half to tears with all the second-guessing – ‘But when he said x, do you really think he meant y?’*

Stop the Ride – I Want to Get Off: One of the main problems with intense rumination is that it tends to be passive. ‘The primal brain doesn’t know the difference between a thought and reality,’ explains health and community psychologist, Marny Lishman. ‘So, if you’re constantly going ‘what if’ and not doing anything about the ‘what if’ then your stress response goes on and your left feeling paralysed and unable to make decisions or problem solve.’ However, with a little effort it is possible to stop the barrage of thoughts from bringing you down.

Notice it. It is said that 95% of our thinking is unconscious – we literally do it without thinking. So, tuning in when your mental loop gets stuck on reply, is an excellent start. Ah – there I go again, ruminating about the same thing over and over again. It is only by noticing it and acknowledging it for what it is – an unhelpful waste of your time – that you can start to try and divert it somewhere more useful.

Reassure It. Yup – this constant rumination might not be helpful, but it is normal. Our brains are wired for survival. Fear is a primal response that is there to protect us, and reflecting on past experiences and outcomes, is evolution’s way of allowing us to learn from them. Lack of confidence and chronic overthinking often go hand in hand, so be nice to yourself. Remind yourself that people do dumb stuff all of the time and other people are usually far too busy thinking about themselves to worry that much about you.

Question It. This is your first line of defence when your thoughts are going around in circles. The aim is to short-circuit the cycle with some simple questions. Whatever you are (over) thinking about, ask yourself – Is this something I have some control over? If it is, then ask yourself – What steps can I take to improve the situation?

Action It. The best way to feel better about something is to get pro-active. A sincere apology, or a dash of humour can diffuse most ‘please-tell-me-I-didn’t-really-do-that’ dilemmas. And for things that have not yet happened, formulating a plan for if/when they do will put you back in the driver’s seat. ‘When you are actioning a problem, you’re putting yourself in control rather than feeling it’s all happening to you and you have no control,’ explains Dr. Lishman.

Divert It: Trying not to think about something is the fastest way to ensure you think of little else. When you need to get out of your head, distraction is your friend – especially if you are fixating on something that is simply beyond your control. Take the dog for a walk, tidy your wardrobe or plan your next holiday (my chosen distraction of choice). If it is 3am, it might be easier to scribble down your thoughts – because weirdly this actually helps empty them out of your head. And I know all this mindfulness stuff is everywhere but bringing your attention back to the here and now (listening to your breath, feeling the sensations going on in your body at that moment) really does help. Because when you are focused on the present you can’t be regretting the past and worrying about the future.

Final Tip – One of the BEST ways to stop being rooted in fear and doubt, which is often at the core of incessant thought, is to challenge yourself to do something a little bit hard. Accomplishing something that is a bit difficult, but still within your abilities (be it climbing a mountain, baking a cake or learning to write basic code), builds mastery which is a belief in your own ability. And self-belief is an excellent way to turn unhelpful rumination into confident action.

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who usually learns from her mistakes. Except when they involve tequila.

*For the most part we overestimate how dark and twisty men are. When they say x, they usually mean x. As weird and straightforward as that might be.

Photo Credit: Hobvias Sudoneighm