Happiness & The Secret of Small

When it comes to knowing what truly makes us happy, it seems that size does matter.

And SMALL is where it’s at.

Most of you have probably heard the theory that our base level of happiness is pretty much set. So, even if we win the lottery, or (God forbid) lose a limb, we will likely be as chirpy or as stroppy as we started out, 12/24 months down the track.

So, if all that death, divorce and moving house malarky isn’t as stressful in the long term as we thought, what are the things that can have the greatest impact on our happiness and well-being?

Yup, it’s the Small stuff. The annoying, niggly everyday sh*t that punctuates our day-to-day.

In a bid to discover if the Holmes & Rae Stress Scale; Death of a partner – (100 stress points), Sexual Difficulties – (39 stress points), was a true indicator of stress related illness, such as anxiety and depression, Kanner et al (1981) put it to the test. Their study, which weighed up the DAILY hassles (losing keys, running late, feeling overweight) and relative uplifts (good weather, sleeping well, a dinner with friends), concluded that our happiness is predicted better by the DETAILS of our everyday lives, rather than by major life events.

Paul Dylan, author of Happiness by Design, agrees. In the book, he urges us to find ‘pleasure and purpose in the day-to-day, instead of relying on the grand stories we tell ourselves of what we think will make us happy.’ Especially as this deluded narrative is often based on perceived status (I always wanted to live in a big house), other people’s expectations (we always knew she would choose law), and even your own (when I am married with a family, then I’ll be happy). He advocates instead a ‘nudge’ approach to happiness, suggesting we make SMALL changes in our behaviour, focusing on those that offer both pleasure (Friday night cocktails) and purpose (helping your kid with their homework) – the two things SCIENTIFICALLY proven to make us feel happier.

Equally, when it comes to our friendships, it’s not just the BIG ones that matter. Sure, we all need our besties, who can counsel, cheer and feed us ice cream (or tequila) when we need it. But, studies have shown that our ‘weak-ties’, the mother’s at the school gate, the friendly barrister, the guy you chat to at the dog park, also matter. In fact, a 2014 study found the more of these casual ties a person has, the happier they feel. So, don’t forget to take your face out of your phone for long enough to notice the people who play a smaller, supporting role in your daily routine.

And if we were ever in doubt of the power of SMALL, we need only look at our personal relationships. Sure, infidelity and money woes may break the camel’s back in the end, but I can guarantee the routine lateness, lack of kindness and daily skid mark all play their part too. As James Sexton, divorce lawyer and author of ‘If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late’, explains: ‘The biggest danger in a long-term relationship: slippage’. In marriages, where one or both partner’s stop paying attention, they can eventually stagnate, then wither and die. As most relationship experts are fond of reminding us, Love is a VERB – it’s a ‘doing’ /’action’ word. The good news is, even SMALL actions – saying thank you, shared laughter, random acts of kindness – all ADD up. By the same token, so does every whinge, nag and ‘not in the mood’ – consider yourself warned!

So, why not start TODAY?

Instead of waiting until you have that great job, or meet the right guy or have bought your own place or have lost enough weight, start with the SMALL stuff. Cram your week full of it! Punctuate your day with it! Wedge your life fat with it! To paraphrase that old pence/pound comparison, my friend: ‘Take care of the small stuff, and the big stuff will take of itself.’

This GET HAPPIER post was brought to you by someone who would like to remind her husband, that when it comes to love, LARGE gestures and obscene-sized gifts are not entirely useless 😉