When To Stop Talking – Part 1

According to this study, most of us average about 16,000 words a day. And rather self-indulgently, 60% of these are spent talking about ourselves.

Look, I get it. I am rather partial to a chat myself. In fact, if you asked my friends (or my husband, kids, strangers you meet in the street), they might go as far as to say I never shut up.

That said, common wisdom might advocate the importance of communication and not bottling things up, but a recent article in Harvard Business Review reminded me there are times we should skip those difficult conversations. Their advice was to first ask yourself some questions – below are a few of my favorites (the stuff in italics is me):

1. Based on what I know about this person and our relationship, what can I realistically hope to achieve by having the conversation? – Are they going to listen? Be open? Are they tired/hungry/angry/drunk?
2. What is my “secret agenda” or “hidden hope” for this conversation? (Long-term harmony? Revenge? That they will change?) – Love this one – great question to gain clarity and manage expectations.
3. What concrete examples do I have to share of how this issue has shown up? – No point lamenting that they ‘always let you down’ or they ‘don’t pull their weight in the office’ if you can’t name at least 2/3 specific examples – people understand facts (you forgot our anniversary for the 2nd year running/you haven’t shown up to the last two team meetings) better than broad statements.
4. What’s my contribution to the situation? Be Honest – seldom does the world conspire against you, without you playing at least a supporting role.
5. How committed am I to being “right”? – I know, being ‘right’ is so very glorious – but winning is not the fastest road to resolution, my friend.
6. What reasonable, actionable solution can I offer? A lot of the time we can get so caught up in the drama/indignation and the icky details, we forget that a solution is what we should be seeking – can you offer one that is reasonable/actionable?
7. Is this the right person to talk to about this issue? Asking the right questions and speaking to the right person is key – no point yelling your head off at the customer service representative, if its really the resolution manager you want (the one with the authority to refund you, not the one reading a script for $15 an hour who couldn’t care less.)

Before the urge to blurt overcomes me, I ask a few questions of my own- Is this helpful? Useful? Kind? Am I just talking to fill the silence? To answer my own question? Or to blow my own horn?

A Harvard study discovered that talking about ourselves releases a shot of dopamine into our brain, producing a pleasure akin to eating, shagging or taking cocaine. Combine that with a healthy lick of anxiety and a real fear of silence, and it’s a wonder we ever shut up at all.

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who knows that whilst it is true that most men have tried blowing their own horn, apparently only one in every 400 has the required flexibility to do so.