Can Your Relationship Survive……?

Sharing your bed, your life and your Spotify log in with another person for a sustained period of time is a BIG ask. No question.

My husband and I have recently been to Ikea THREE weekends running and we nearly didn’t make it.  It’s safe to say we will not be building another Nordli together anytime soon, no matter how many Swedish meatballs he promises me.

So, this week, I thought it would be fun (less expensive?!) to explore if your relationship can survive:

• The Loss of Romance: Our brain’s reward centre loves novelty. That is why it’s SO exciting when you first meet someone. But, a few months down the track, when you’ve stopped wearing matching underwear and he starts to think that clipping his toenails in front of you is not a big deal (!), those dopamine pathways start to get less of a look in. And, whilst committed love can be a lot less frantic (even reassuringly cosy), many of us also want to keep the spark of romance flickering below the surface.

The Secret to Survival? Arthur Aron, a professor at Stony Brook University and one of the top researchers on romantic love, suggests that doing new and different things with your partner is the secret. New experiences activate the brain’s reward system (in the same way that cash, booze and cocaine do) and allow you to bring back some of the excitement from the early days. It’s not just about being more sexually adventurous (although that works too – see below), it’s about finding new and fun stuff to do together. Whether it’s cooking or karaoke, exploring new places or finding fresh hobbies, doing the UN-familiar is what will keep you doused in dopamine for longer

• Less Shagging: Let’s be honest. Between the late night loads of laundry, the familiarity, the extra quarantine kilos, your big day at work and that thing they said yesterday that really annoyed you, there can be a lot of reasons that we might not be feeling suitably up for it. According to this study, sexual frequency declines 3.2 per cent a year after the age of 25, but for many couples, the state of their sex life is often a reflection of how happy they are in their relationship overall.

The Secret to survival? Having lots of sex early in your relationship. A University of Georgia study of more than 90,000 women in 19 countries found the longer a couple is married the less they have sex, but how much less was dependent on how much sex they were getting in the first place. If it was twice a week at the start, after ten years of marriage it was closer to 3x a month. If they were rocking the bed four or more times a week at the start, they were quite likely to be getting a look in 2/3 x a week, even after a decade of sharing. The good news for those of you less busy in the bedroom? According to this study, couples that reported the highest levels of happiness were having it on average 1 x a week (enough to maintain intimacy but without interrupting your latest binge session). Keen to UP your quota? According to Dr Elaine Hatfield, the OG of relationship science, men and women’s sexual desires are not as vastly different as you might think. Yes – women’s desire is (often) more intertwined with the warm/loving nature of the relationship overall – So, be nice, compliment her often and do the dishes without asking. And, yes, men would like their partner to initiate sex more often (go on then!) But, Hatfield’s study also had both sexes putting their hand up to more seduction, more experimentation and more instruction – so, if you spend as much time as we do deciding what show to watch, there is no excuse for not slipping in a little more nookie instead.

• An Affair: The fastest way to be cast as the villain in your own life is to put your genitalia somewhere that it does not belong. The fact that most affairs happen with a close friend, co-worker or long-time acquaintance makes avoiding temptation harder, but whilst monogamy might be a big ask, NOT keeping it in your pants is still cited as one of the main reasons relationships unravel and marriages fall by the wayside.

The Secret to Survival? There are few people who have explored the twisty depths of infidelity more thoroughly than Esther Perel. Her book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity is required reading for anyone who finds themselves on either side of this sticky argument. In it, she reminds us that we often spend so much time focusing on ‘trauma and recovery’ and give too little attention ‘to the meanings and motives of affairs’ and to ‘what we can learn from them.’ Trying to understand that the affair might not really be about the sex, or even have very much to do about you personally is explained brilliantly in this article about why happy people cheat. Deciding if you should stay put or kick their grubby arse to the curb is up to you, but I think it would be helpful for all of us to embrace her reminder that if we could bring ‘one-tenth of the boldness, the playfulness, and the verve that they bring to their affair’ into our own relationships, we might have a better chance of avoiding the whole sordid mess completely.

• Having Kids: ‘Here’s the good news: A minority of couples with children – about 20 percent – manage to stay happy in their relationship despite the kids*.’ Um – excuse me? That’s the GOOD news?! Just to be clear – they are not saying that having kids doesn’t make you happier (although studies on this are mixed) – they are just saying that kids certainly impact the quality of your relationship with your other half (who becomes less ‘half’ and more 1/8th postpartum).

The Secret to Survival? According to the data, the happiest couples with kids seem to be the ones who have similar parenting styles (one less thing to wrestle with), not too much financial stress (little people are expensive) and good emotional support from friends and family (Help me!). Stephanie Coots, who teaches family studies at The Evergreen State College in Washington, says “We often overload marriage by asking our partner to satisfy more needs than any one individual can possibly meet”. She suggests that to strengthen our marriage we should consider asking LESS of it and I concur, especially when it comes to co-parenting. Having realistic expectations is properly helpful (less talcum powder-covered perfection, more amazingly sleep-deprived weirdness) but, so is staying GENEROUS. According to this study, when people were asked what made them feel MOST valued in their relationship, ‘Small acts of kindness’ came out on top – something surprisingly easy to action.

So, whatever stage you are in your relationship, don’t forget – every tea poured, bin emptied, show taped, meal cooked and shoulder massaged MATTERS.

Whilst spending three weekends (out of a possible four) at Ikea is only recommended for the truly committed and brave.

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who is amazed that my husband and I created two human beings from scratch but were defeated by a fairly basic nordic bed frame.

*Taken from Smarter Living book compiled by New York Times reporters