How to Stay Married – The 9 Secrets to Staying Happily Ever After.

Marriage is hard and everyone is annoying. So my No 1. piece of advice on how to stay married would be to find the person who annoys you the least. It may not be romantic but it is valid. Having stayed Happy Ever After to the same person for the last 23 years here is what else I have learnt.

1. Decide to. I have seen a few married friends of mine end up drifting apart and eventually divorcing just because they were – poor darlings – a bit disappointed. This version of marital bliss was not quite what they signed up for. It was sometimes boring or mundane and they were seduced by the idea of something better and brighter (and younger) up ahead. It can be useful at this juncture to remember that this new shiny and improved version will most probably a few months/years down the track be dropping their wet towels on the floor or nagging you to help more around the house. Obviously if your other half is horrid all of the time and you both make each other endlessly miserable then that is no way to live. My concern lies with having unrealistic expectations – marriage can be messy and mundane – but like in most things it’s not what you have but the frame you put around it that makes the difference. I can honestly say there is something magical, not to mention downright cosy, about sticking together.

2. Keep your sense of humour. This is a major ingredient to not losing your marriage let alone your mind. People are annoying and life is sometimes far from funny – things get broken, things get lost, people are late, babies poo and projectile vomit, planes are missed, erections are lost, women spend ages getting ready, men get man flu for days, best laid plans go awry. You can choose to shout about it, slams doors, flounce off in a huff, sulk for days – or you can choose to laugh, make a joke about how utterly ridiculous life can be and smile back at the other person (whilst mentally booking a hitman to take them out.)
3. Be kind. Kindness is a bit of an underrated trait – most of us are all too busy trying to be productive or successful or fabulous or just making it through the goddamn day to remember to be kind. We are often far nicer to our dogs or our children or to our friends than to the person we have pledged eternity to. No grand gestures required – offer to bring the other one breakfast in bed, pour them a drink, let them have the remote, offer to drive the kids to Saturday sport (even if it’s not your turn), ask them how they (really) are, turn to them before your mobile phone when you wake up. This is not always easy but the great thing is kindness tends to be contagious. The small sh** matters I promise you.
4. Have sex. I have lost count of the friends who have been downright shocked and amazed to discover their husband has been having an affair/doing the dirty despite the fact they have been keeping their legs firmly closed for weeks or months on end. I know, I know – you might be feeling a bit fat or a bit tired or burnt out at work and the last thing you feel is putting out for the same old face you have been staring at every day for what seems like forever. But do the other one a favour and put a smile on their face. Lie back and think of England if you must but with a little bit of effort you will remember that this can be the most fun you can have for free.
5.  Keep it in your pants. Whilst I urge you to have sex with each other, I implore you not to have it with anyone else. I know plenty of marriages that have survived the infidelity fairy but I can tell you most are the more tarnished for it. There is a wonderful line in the movie Closer that reminds us that we can’t blame anyone or anything but ourselves for sexual undoing. ‘Oh, as if you had no choice? There’s a moment, there’s always a moment, “I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it”, and I don’t know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.’ Life is full of temptations and whilst a little window shopping is to be expected, the moment before you are tempted to buy is the moment you must walk away.
6. Don’t let parenthood define you. I know of a few husbands who – since they had kids together – call their wife Mummy. Please, please, for the love of God, don’t do this. She is not your Mummy – she is your wife. Equally, I know wives who post-partum, treat their husbands like their 2^nd or 3^rd, slightly less favourite child. Or they both get so swirled up in the whole parenting universe that for 17 odd years they talk of nothing but teething schedules and cracked nipples, homework timetables and teenage curfews. By the time their little darlings are set free into the world they are total strangers with nothing left in common but their startled bewilderment that their babies are all grown up and their real fear that going forward it’s just the two of them home alone. At some stage the nest will empty – make sure there is something left to fill it with.
7. Let there be spaces in your togetherness. Maybe you are one of those very cute but slightly nauseous couples who just prefer to do everything together. Personally I find a little distance makes for excellent perspective. Nearly every year I have been married I have taken a short holiday without the husband (or the kids). There is something downright delicious about going out and having fun, not needing to look after anyone or out for anyone, staying up late and staying in bed with no reason not to. By going away, I find I can better relish in the warmth of familiarity when I return. No. 7 is not recommended for those who struggle with No.5.
8. Talk less. Communicate more. Your therapist might not agree with me but I think there are few things more boring than talking about your relationship. When a conversation starts with a ‘We need to talk….’ you know it isn’t going to be about all the great stuff your partner thinks you have been doing. Talking can be dangerous especially when it is in those unscripted moments, when emotions are running high and you are on your third glass of red. Personally, I prefer an email. A little bit of emotional distance, not to mention the chance for endless rewrites, can result in a far more measured approach and response. It is worth remembering that actions speak way more noisily that words; a hand squeeze can convey that you are sorry without the blatant humiliation of actually saying it, a smile can let them know that, even though they annoy the hell out of you, you don’t hate them and a quickie before breakfast is a firm confirmation that all is forgiven in the fresh light of day.
9. Make Plans & Share Dreams. Someone once said, far more eloquently that I ever could, that ‘God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow into them’. Ever since my husband and I first met we have been making big plans, grand schemes for the future that lies just up ahead. We want to retire to the Caribbean, run a hotel in the Bahamas or a Pool Club in Positano. We want to live on the beach and lie in a Hammock and drink Jalapeno Margaritas on our verandah. I will write fabulous books about living the dream and he will run a bar like the one where Tom Cruise worked in the movie ‘Cocktail’. These plans have changed over the years and continue to evolve. Now the kids are growing up, and we are getting old, I can almost taste them. You know what I think has been as life changing as what our future might look like? Having a dream. Making a Plan. Creating a future that has both of us in it. Watch this Space.

This Get Happier Post was brought to you by someone who met their husband when she was nineteen years old and who, despite the occasional twinge of disappointment that he isn’t Mark Ruffalo, couldn’t be happier with her marital co-pilot.