What if they don’t like me? – How to stop caring about people who don’t matter.

I have a friend, who used to be a friend until I realised just thinking of being around them sucked the will to live out of me. I was pretty keen to terminate this friendship but, by some insanity of logic, was worried that if I did, they might not like me anymore. Wtf? Was I genuinely concerned that someone, who I did not like and did not want in my life anymore, might-not-like-me? Idiot.

It seems I am not alone in caring desperately about what people think (even the ones we don’t like or who don’t matter). There is a whole lot of people pleasing going on out there and the more I think about it the more exhausted I feel. Wouldn’t our time and energy be better spent focusing on the things and the people that do matter to us?

So here is my 3 step survival plan to stop being such an idiot.

1. Firstly, I think it’s helpful to remember that we are not really as important as we think we are. We spend a whole lot of time caring about what other people think about us, when the truth is – for the most part – they don’t. In Julien Smith’s essay, ‘The Complete Guide to not Giving a Fuck’ he distills this point perfectly by reminding us ‘the first noble truth is that most people don’t even care that you’re alive’ – which let’s be honest could be a bit depressing. But he goes on to say ‘Embrace this, my friends, for it is true freedom.’ No point getting our knickers in a bunch over the fact people may, or may not, care enough to think about us enough, to not like you.
2. Even if they do muster up enough concern and decide they don’t like us – guess what? There is nothing you can do about it. Sarah Knight wrote a whole book about (and called) ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k’ and not caring about what other people think was number one on her list. ‘Remember: This one is non-negotiable. All fucks stem from here.’ Wasting a lot of time and energy worrying about something you can’t change is a mug’s game.
3. Lastly, and most significantly, our brains were originally wired to focus on one thing at a time and although it has adapted over time, it created an attentional filter that blocks out all the nonsense and only lets in the stuff it deems important. How is this relevant to said conundrum? Daniel Levitan, in his book ‘The Organised Mind’ explains it thus, ‘To pay attention to one thing means that we don’t pay attention to something else. Attention is a limited-capacity resource’. So whilst here I am -like an idiot – worrying about offending my friend who I don’t even want to be my friend, I could be directing that attention where it really matters. To the small group of friends and family I do give a fuck about. The ones who have my back, who get my jokes, who wouldn’t just follow me into the trenches but would bring along the wine and crisps. My People.

So dear friends here is to reminding ourselves that life is not a popularity contest. It is the person with the best, not the most, friends who is the real winner.

This Get Happier tip was brought to you by someone who despite said advice will likely still read any comments below in the hope they are nice.