How to Live with Other People (all-of-the-time).

Wow – there is nothing like being trapped in a confined space with the people you love, to make you dream of a small corner where other people are NOT.

Whilst some of you still appear to be in the honeymoon stage of this self-isolating business (Puzzles are fun! Boardgames are brilliant! Homemade banana bread? I can do that!), I imagine others are beginning to grit their teeth a little more tightly. So, from one clenched jaw to another, here are a few things that might help you co-exist a little more happily.

When you want to let them know how you are feeling – without sounding like a nag/pain/weirdo. This one is from bestselling author and vulnerability advocate, Brene Brown and it’s called ‘the story I’m making up’ hack, which is useful for avoiding miscommunications.  “Basically, you’re telling the other person your reading of the situation — and simultaneously admitting that you know it can’t be 100% accurate.” So, let’s say your significant other is behaving weirdly, you might say – ‘I’ve noticed you’ve been pretty quiet today and the story I am making up in my head is that you are considering all the things you don’t like about me and are concocting a polite way to give me the push.’ At this stage (hopefully), they will comfort you by explaining that not at all, they are just stressed about work or wondering if they should get that weird mole on their back checked out. Unless of course, they were trying to find the right words to end it, then whoops! – now you’ve given them the perfect ‘in’ (in which case it’s not Brene’s fault – she can’t be right about everything.….)

When you want them to DO something (empty the bin, tidy their room, finish their homework) – which despite asking 900 times they never do unprompted. Before you lose your rag completely it might help to try Jame’s Clear’s habit-stacking tactic – the premise of this is that if you are trying to create a new habit, it has a greater chance of success if you stack it on a habit that’s already hardwired into your day. Dinner for example. My teenager loves dinner – it’s something already hard-wired into his day (in fact ‘What’s for dinner?’ is often our first verbal exchange of the day). So, with a little practice, he now understands that he has to refill the soda stream bottles before he gets his dinner. The reward comes after which positively reinforces the behaviour and because it happens at the same time every day it’s a habit more likely to stick. And there is nothing more comforting than a bit of routine when the world is quietly falling to pieces.

When it’s (probably) your fault and you need to apologise. If you are struggling to sound authentically contrite remember it usually matters less what you say, and far more what the other person hears. For faster results, you can benefit from the research that advises – ‘Don’t apologise for what you did – apologise for what they think you did.’ And even if you didn’t do what they think you did, for the sake of your sanity (not to mention the peace of your household) saying sorry can be the right thing to do. One – because it takes emotional maturity to prioritize the health of the relationship over the ego-feeding need to be right. And, two – it can often be better to lose the battle and apologize even when you are (quite obviously) right, for the sake of winning the war (a stress-free dinner, being able to finish your work, not being embarrassed every time you see your neighbours etc.)

Most of all, my friend, remember to BE KIND to yourself (and each other). This is a stressful time – none of us really know when life will return to ‘normal’, we are fluctuating between consuming silly memes and scary statistics and between washing our hands and losing our jobs, we have almost finished Netflix. And the long weekend has only just begun!

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone whose family puts the FUN in dys-FUN-ctional.