How To Be A Better Friend - No.467

Don’t Use Gossip as a Bonding Tool

This one is H-A-R-D.

Because honestly! Is there anything more juicy and tempting than the illicit thrill of spreading goss? The self-important puff of putting someone else down? The shared squeal of mutual bitchiness?

And, yes – there is no doubt it is a proven formula to fast track a friendship.

But, at what cost?

What’s the problem? Gossip, like junk food, tastes so good mid-mouthful but like a lousy hamburger leaves you with nothing more than a nasty taste. The reasons we do it also score pretty poorly in the personality stakes – a. gossip makes us feel better about ourselves (‘at least I’M not a total alcoholic‘), b. can be a form of projection (‘wow, I may be bad – but she is WAY worse‘) or c. a classic case of trying to diminish our own pain by shining the light on someone else’s (‘apparently she slept with BOTH guys on the same night!‘). And, if you are guilty of being the enthralled listener (‘No way! – Then what did she do?‘) don’t forget that said friend is oh-so-likely to spread the same sh*t about YOU.

Instead?

The good news is you can still chat about other people as long as your genuine intent is not to be malicious. Sometimes gossip can even be used for good – by telling a mate that Ben is having a rough time at work or is going through a particularly savage divorce you might make them more compassionate/understanding towards them.
Better still, ask INTERESTING questions – ‘What would you do if money were no object?’, ‘What are you’re deal breakers?’, ‘Do you want kids?’ ‘Do you watch porn?’ ‘Is there anything 2020 will make you do differently?’– to elicit the same kind of fuelled banter.
Sincerity and vulnerability are also excellent tools that build bonds and strengthen friendships, the latter is far braver than throwing some mate under a bus.
Shared laughter and anything that raises one’s heart rate has also been proven to bring people closer – so book tickets to a comedy club or make them a friend with benefits* and you’ll stop tearing people to shreds in no time.

And, when temptation strikes? ‘The best practice is to “Mirandize” yourself: Simply assume that anything you say can and will be used against you.‘

This GET HAPPIER post is brought to you by someone who doesn’t like to gossip but who might, on occasion, share her opinion about other people’s life choices 😉

* Or, you know, go to the gym with them or something equally sweaty.