MIND THE GAP – How Much of an Age-Gap Can Your Relationship Handle?

There is no denying it. When it comes to relationships, age-gaps do matter, but how much they matter can vary from couple to couple. Reason I mention it, is because I have just witnessed the third one of my friend’s 20 yr age gap marriages bite the dust. It kind of sucks for both sides of the coin. For the husband who has been both father and provider, who is now turning 65 and was all set to put his slippers on and have someone take care of him. And also for the wife, who gave up the prime years of her life for this guy and who at 45 is just hitting her sexual peak, right around the time most guys are looking to fu*k the 25 year old version of her.

According to our friends at Facebook, internationally in 67% of relationships the male is older than the female, 13% are the same age and in 20%  the female is older than the male. The current hoo-ha over Emmanuel and Brigitte Macron (the French President is 39 years old to his wife’s 64) highlights that the older woman/younger man scenario will always bring with it more controversy and the tendency to drag out the predictable C-Word (Cougar). Donald and Melania Trump have as many years between them but nobody seems in the least bit bothered – our knickers are in way too much of a twist about the fact that he is leader of the free world than about some care-less 25 year age gap.

Whichever way up you look at it, people do like to judge a healthy age-gap. She clearly must be a gold digger only servicing his saggy ass in return for some serious financial upside. Or he must have some hardcore Mummy issues choosing to shack up with a broad old enough to be his. And yes – there is some merit in these assumptions – 55% of women surveyed cited the financial benefits of an older partner as being part of the incentive. For others the upside may be less about the money and more about their yearning for security or the concious or subconcious need to seek out a mother/father figure. Some guys simply prefer a confident older women who may be less bothered with the petty vanities of their younger counterparts.  An older man who wants a big family is likely to have more success with a younger partner who has a biological advantage over a women of his own age. Whatever the reason for the match may be, and let’s not leave true love out of the mix, when it comes to the gap it seems size does in fact matter.

A study by Emory University in Atlanta analysed the data from over 3,000 participants and found that the bigger the age gap between partners, the greater the risk of separation. The figures were fairly convincing with those with a 1 year age gap having only a 3% chance of divorcing, through to an 18% chance for those with 5 years between them and climaxing with a whopping 95% chance of divorce for those with a 20 year age gap. However, for those that stick it out, the numbers start looking a lot more positive. Those that make it past 2 years are approximately 43% less likely to split which increases to 76% less likely after the couple hit the 5 year mark.

The main sticking points in the age-gap game seem to come down to 3 major factors:

• Interests & Lifestyle – Is there enough mutual compatibility in how a couple choose to spend their time? If she still wants to go clubbing and he would prefer a nice cup of tea and a piano concerto things can get a little tricky. However, if you enjoy each others company and allow each other space for your own age-cohort-related activities then this hurdle can be sensibly managed.
• Biology – For the most part this comes down to the question – Do they want kids? He might already have plenty, but it would be unfair to deny her the priviledge – this one can be a doozy if she wants a few and he’s just stopped paying for his younger ones. Luckily vintage sperm seems to be a bit more age proof than female eggs but if she is his senior then this can be an issue (Ashton Kutcher/Demi Moore – just sayin’).  Often the solution is a few in quick succession – see Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson – a glorious 23 years between them and 2 kids under 7 years old – Older Woman/Younger Man #couplegoals.
• Long-Term Goals – I guess if we are honest the real issue here is one half of the couple might not be as long-term as the other one – that said death comes to the best of us and not always when we are expecting it. Life is short – so maybe just Carpe Diem the sh*t out of this one….although by the time one is being asked to nurse the other it can look a little less rosy. There is nothing sexy about spoon feeding your loved one.

As far as another of my recent friend’s marriages go, a key factor was also the age it all began. At 25 years old life brims with the sheer possibility of it all – the handsome 45 year old seems worldly and wise – a most suitable guide and companion to share the journey ahead. Fast forward thirty years – she is now 55, running her own business and keeping young with a combo of Yoga and fillers. Her guide and companion is pushing 75 and his prowess on the golf course may belie his disfuction in the bedroom.

So how much age-gap can your relationship handle?

Using the much cited ‘half your age plus 7’ rule the socially acceptable minimum age for me to date sits at a rather youthful 29. The reverse rule (your age -7 x2) would see me stepping out with a far less sprightly 72 year old. In truth it often comes down to the smaller stuff – the small vanities or the simple act of maturity. Whilst men dating a younger woman often say they feel younger, women who date younger men often feel the looming spectre of age is more greatly magnified. My 25 year old friend may once have looked up to her older partner and been in awe of his wise counsel but as she aged and formed opinions of her own he may have been less keen for her to be treated as his equal. These things – although small on the surface – can slowly fester and be the eventual cause of a relationship’s demise. Whilst it is often advised that marriages between people who are similar (in age/socio- economic/nationality/religeous beliefs) the success of most (all) of them comes down to a number of interacting factors and age is just one of them.

Whatever the numbers, if you are serious about making your relationship work, I suggest you read my earlier post : The 9 Steps to Happy Ever After. #biased.

For what its worth I find my own 10 year marital age gap somewhat reassuring. There is little need for him to run off with a younger woman when – Duh – he already has one. Plus the extra 10 years have done wonders for his eyesight – its steady decline has meant the more wrinkles I get the less he can see – God Bless you Mother Nature 🙂

This Get Happier tip is brought to you by someone who at my age also needs glasses. Wine glasses.